Churches seek ways to reach
growing single population

 

 

 

 

By Rachel L. Toalson
Staff Writer
Their eyes are dancing as they walk hand-in-hand back to the candlelit table inside First UMC, Corpus Christi.
The fast-footed polka flushed the couple’s skin, brought smiles to their faces and encouraged a nearness as Nancy Darnell strained to hear what her husband, Wayne, whispered into her ear above the blaring music.
The two have been married four years. And they credit the singles ministry at First UMC with bringing them together.
Wayne and Nancy met at Bay Fest in 1998 and nurtured a friendship through activities sponsored by the church singles department.
Neither expected to fall in love.
Their story isn’t entirely unusual, say leaders of adult singles ministries across the Southwest Texas Conference. Most single adults get involved in a local ministry hoping to find friends in the same stage of life as they are. Some inevitably find more than friendship.
But singles ministries don’t advertise or even encourage romance. Instead, leaders say, they provide a place where a growing population can meet together and discuss the issues they are facing in life.

Single population explodes
Research suggests that the single population in all communities is exploding. That’s because of rising divorce rates, adults choosing to stay single longer before getting married or adults choosing not to marry at all.
Lynn Young, adult ministries director at First UMC, Boerne, said the church must respond to the spiritual needs of this growing group.
“Apartments and housing are going up,” she said. “The single adult population is growing. This is something that has just surfaced—not that it wasn’t needed before, but it certainly appears to be the right time now.”
Churches, she said, tend to be couple-oriented, a place where the divorced or single-by-choice person feels out of place because of the pity he or she often encounters from married members.
“Within that church culture, people tend to say, ‘Oh, that poor person’ or ‘What’s wrong with you?’” Young said. “So single folks feel odd about coming.”

Ministries meet need
First UMC, Corpus Christi, publishes a singles page in its newsletter every month. The ministry involves about 1,200 singles, said Michael Brown, adult ministries director.
The program has been in place since the 1980s, Brown said. He is the third singles ministry director.
The group schedules events nearly every night of the week—small group studies, divorce-care classes, dances or movie nights. Participants, who come from many denominational backgrounds, have even taken cruises to Alaska together.
The church doesn’t attract many singles younger than 35, though, Brown said. Many get involved because they are healing from a divorce, as he was in the 1990s, or are seeking support following the death of a spouse.
“This is the cutting edge of where people have their lives rebuilt,” Brown said. “When you go through something like divorce or the loss of a spouse, you’re broken, and this (ministry) is about rebuilding the lives of the people who have been broken. This is what brought me into the Methodist Church.
“We are broken people looking for some place or some help and healing. Either members are already whole and simply want community and fellowship, or they’re broken and looking in pain for some sort of healing.”

Singles seek friends, support
Wayne Darnell was married for 26 years before divorcing his wife. He found himself seeking healing in the singles department.
“All I had was God,” he said. “I needed friends to help support me. This group was doing activities that were held in a nonthreatening environment. It was a place to find friends and a social life.”
Nancy Darnell said, “There are people who think of this as a meat market. But it’s really a wonderful place to meet people. The biggest challenge in a single’s life—especially singles our age—is loneliness. Here, there’s always something to do. I have told so many people about this ministry—because so many of them are hurting and lonely.”
Young said she isn’t completely certain what the new singles group in Boerne—dubbed SPAN, or Single Parents and Adults Network—will eventually look like. It has had a few meetings. Those have attracted small families and individuals of many ages, though none younger than 30.
Young said she plans to offer the group social activities and service projects to promote lasting friendships. The church’s nurture committee is researching what has worked in similar ministries.
Eventually, she said, she’d like to have subgroups of the large group.
Andrea Wood, a member of the Boerne nurture committee, said she had seen a need for a singles ministry at the church for some time.
“We have a population that’s aging all across America,” Wood said. “We’re seeing more single adults who are older. They need to be involved and going places and doing things with the church.”
Wood, a single parent, said she has enjoyed the Boerne SPAN gatherings because her son, who has no living grandparents, could spend time with older adults who “have a different wisdom and patience” she could “only dream of having.”
And she has enjoyed meeting others walking in the same stage of life.
“Singles have a lot of faith and don’t want to get put in this, ‘Hey, let’s have a group where we can get people married’ group,” Wood said. “That’s a very awkward situation. We see other things.
“When we are with other single people, we know they are often feeling the same things. And we think about what we can do to support each other because we go home alone.”

Subgroups formed
University UMC, San Antonio, has a large young adults group called The Gathering. Several smaller groups have developed out of it, including Christians in Action.
The 5-year-old group is designed for single adults in their late 20s and early 30s—”post-college adult singles who are seeking to grow together and learn about Christ,” according to its Web site.
Group members meet for activities outside Sunday school, including fellowship dinners and service projects, said Justin Harrell, president.
Other groups, including one for 30-year-olds and one for younger adults just out of college, also exist under The Gathering umbrella.
Christians in Action attracts members from 24 to 30 years, Harrell said. Many are teachers. Some work for USAA. All are professionals.
Harrell found the group soon after graduating from college.
“It’s hard to meet other single Christians,” Harrell said. “You spend time with people your age here. While some folks in our church have dated each other, that’s really not the focus. We are people of the same age, in the same stage of life, and this class offers us a chance to get together and hang out.”
The class has seen as many as 25 attendees, though the average is 15, he said.
Paul Berry, who teaches the Christians in Action class, said the group alternates between Bible study and dissecting a popular book. Studies have addressed what it’s like to be a Christian in today’s world, the church and how it developed, and biblical issues.
At the beginning, Berry said, he looked for single adults Bible study material—until he realized that the group members didn’t necessarily identify themselves as singles.
“The issues that the older singles deal with—feeling lonely during the holidays, for one—the younger singles didn’t have,” Berry said. “They spend time with their family and friends. Being unmarried is just a part of who they are right now.”
Glenda McKinney, a member of First UMC, Portland, is trying to create a single ministry because the area has begun seeing more single adults.
“Our church in particular doesn’t provide anything for singles,” she said. “And singles do face different issues from families. It’s hard for anyone who’s single in this community. Most of my friends are all married, and they’re nice and invite me to go places with them, but sometimes it would be nice to have single friends.”
The Portland project has had a couple of meetings with a few attending, McKinney said, but she hopes to increase attendance in the next few months.
The group meets twice a month in a home. Once a month it does “some type of fun activity or service project together,” McKinney added.
She said she plans to call the group “N-Harmony.”
“eHarmony we are not,” she said. “In harmony we are. Our goal is to be in harmony with each other and God.”

Ministries face challenges
Singles ministries face certain unique challenges, Young said. First is age—because singles of different ages are usually in different stages of their lives, and different age groups have different perspectives on their lives.
Second is ministry perception. The word ministry, Young said, can have a stigma outside the church. And singles ministries have an even greater stigma—that they exist to get people married.
“That’s not what we’re doing,” Young said. “And we have to be clear about what our goals and visions are, what we’re really trying to accomplish here.
“This is not a social group or a meat market. As long as there is one single adult who is a ‘stranger,’ this (ministry) is our Christian job.”
SPAN, Young said, addresses singles’ needs through Bible study, support, playing and eating together, and doing mission projects as a group.
Singles ministries sometimes face the problem of having people get involved for the wrong reasons, Young said.
“There are predators,” she said. “They understand on a very basic predatory level that women in the church group are trusting. Those problems have to be addressed when they arise.”
Another challenge is convincing a church that a singles ministry is worthwhile, Young said.
“Churches do have to run on money,” Young said. “We rely on the gifts and pledges from folks. Couples tend to have more money than singles. A singles program is often not invested in because these folks are not going to give a good monetary return. A single mom is not going to have discretionary funds. Her gift to the church is that she’s coming with her kids.
“Singles are very fluid, too. If their job takes them elsewhere, they are able to do that. You might work real hard to develop leaders in the singles program, and then they’re gone.”
Harrell said University’s greatest challenge is getting people involved.
“They all have other things going on,” he said. “You plan something, and they can’t commit to it. They have other commitments. They are pulled in a hundred different directions.”
Berry said, “For people this age, church isn’t always the number one priority—especially if their friends are doing things on the weekend.”
People who might attend his class also have varied opinions about their faith and how it applies to their lives, Berry said.

Importance of outreach stressed
Young said singles ministries tend to reach out to those who have been estranged from the church or haven’t attended in a while because they were uncomfortable coming by themselves.
“It’s one thing to reach out to everybody,” Young said. “But when they come in and you don’t have a program for them, they won’t return. This (having singles programs) is a way to be intentional about identifying a specific group of people with different needs in the church.
“We’ve got some growing to do in this area. We have to work harder than any other program in the church to prove who we are.”
Harrell said singles ministries have the potential to keep those in the church who might possibly stray if left alone.
“There is such a need for people who have just gotten out of college to connect with single Christians,” he said. “A lot of people are active in their faith through high school, and then they get in college and involved in an organization. But then there’s really not a whole lot for you until you’re married.”
Harrell, who grew up in Northern Hills UMC, San Antonio, admits it was the singles ministry at University that brought him to the church.
Wood said Boerne’s SPAN group has given her an opportunity to get involved. When she first started attending the church, she said, she would sign up for committees, but people wouldn’t ask her to serve on them.
“People knew that I was a working single mom and that I was restoring a 100-year-old house,” Wood said. “They were thinking, ‘We don’t really need to bother her.’
“But I really wanted that outlet. I really wanted to be involved. Sometimes you need some time away from your home and your kids to build and grow as an adult. A lot of times people immediately think you’ve got too much on your plate. It looks like a burden, but it’s really a help.”
Berry said churches are called to reach out to everyone, not just those who are married, who have families or who are older than a certain age.
“I believe that God calls us to make disciples of everyone, no matter what their age,” he said. “These guys are the future leaders of our church, the future mothers, dads, the people sitting on our building committees. It’s important that they are getting a solid Christian Bible education and Sunday school experience.
“They might be a small percentage of the church today, but they’re going to be 100 percent of the church in the future.”